Delilah Carol Johnson Ruckman
- Susan Jezek
- Nov 22, 2024
- 7 min read
Updated: Nov 23, 2024
This has been an especially intense season. In so many ways. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, and in the spirit of reflecting on those who have touched our lives in deep and lasting ways, here are my remarks from my sweet mother's memorial service earlier this month. They don't do her justice.
November 9, 2024
Good morning and thank you all so much for being here today. It’s so heartwarming to see how many people’s lives have been touched by our mother, and on behalf of our family, we are eternally grateful for your support and for what you have meant not only to her -- but to us, as well.
It’s been such a blessing to have had time to reflect and process and highlight all our memories. And to assess what Mom was to me as a trusted adviser, role model, and indelible influence. Although there were many wonderful memories to choose from as Nancy, Jennie, and I shared stories and collected stories from others, a few stand out – perhaps because they demonstrate some of her attributes that live on in me. In the spirit of this gathering, which is to celebrate who she was over her 83 years on this earth, here is a sampling.
Our house on Fern Creek Drive, which was our home from 1974-2019, was where our friends loved to be – sometimes when we weren’t even there ourselves! And not just our friends, but her friends, as well. It was not uncommon for Mom and one or more of our closest neighbors (aka the Birthday Girls) to be sitting at the kitchen table laughing (and perhaps enjoying a little Riunite?). Or for one of our “extended family” to walk through the back door comfortably without knocking. Or for our home to be the venue for Young Life Club, the cheerleading squad surprise breakfast, Anchors mascot roast, Charter Point progressive dinner, Clemson Gator Bowl party, or a family Christmas dinner. If someone popped in unexpectedly at mealtime, she would say “throw another potato in the pot!” If a relative needed a refuge during a troubling time, Aunt Carol’s house was the likely destination.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. The door was always open.
Our mom was also very petite…and prissy. She loved being and feeling beautiful. She got joy from coordinating her outfits with the perfect costume jewelry, having her hair done twice a week at the “beauty shop,” and relishing the beautiful things my dad enjoyed buying for her. As luck would have it, all of us girls were close enough to the same size to share clothes, which just multiplied the options! And the options expanded to the wardrobes of our best friends who spent almost as much time at our house as we did. It was not unusual to see a little laundry stack for Trina or Jill alongside ours. Once we were attending Terry Parker Homecoming and one of my friends in the court was wearing an especially stunning gown. Mom said “Do you think Stacy would let me borrow that dress for the Revellers Ball?” And she was serious. And Stacy was happy to loan it to her.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. A girly-girl who carried it off well. (Although I’m sure she’s displeased that I’m not wearing pantyhose right now…)
Mom was extremely smart and resourceful. She could answer most any question we had because she was an avid reader and loved learning, herself. Or she knew who to call if she didn’t know the answer. She did the daily newspaper crossword puzzle in pen and encouraged us to research topics for ourselves. I didn’t necessarily appreciate the answer “look it up” quite so much when my research paper was due the next day and I had waited until the last minute to write it (which was typical). But I greatly appreciated her willingness to stay up into the wee hours typing for me as I was writing that paper page by page. Jeopardy! was a daily television staple in her home, even up to the last days.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. A woman who believed it was important for a woman to be smart, not just cute.
For someone who married at 19 and became a mother at 23, I still marvel at the depth of her wisdom. She knew exactly what I needed to hear to ease my anxiety or appease my perfectionist personality. And she always had a “saying” for every situation…didn’t all mothers? Here are some of the mantras I repeatedly heard then and repeat myself now:
• Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
• Don’t look for perfection, look for acceptable flaws. (mostly pertaining to my dating life)
• Dynamite comes in small packages! (meaning, don’t underestimate me…)
• If you sign up for something, you follow through on your commitment. If you hate it, you don’t have to sign up again. (mostly pertaining to my habit of being overcommitted)
• Good grammar and good manners matter…which have nothing to do with money and everything to do with class. (Ain’t is a BAD word!!!)
• Gold is a better friend to a woman than silver.
• You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. (make your point but be nice about it!!)
• The most important thing a hostess should have ready for her guests is herself.
• If you ever said “I can’t”…she said “Can’t never could!”
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. A strong but gentle Southern Lady…with solid values and deep-rooted sensibilities.
Our mom was unconditionally supportive. The “quintessential cheerleader.” You could always count on her to root for you no matter what. She got as nervous as we did when we were trying out for cheerleading, presenting a speech in public, or interviewing for a new job. She believed (and proclaimed) that her family members were all perfect, smart, beautiful or handsome…and she would defend her opinion if anyone said otherwise. She even believed OJ was innocent after watching his trial every day for a year. Have you heard her talk about her over-the-top amazing grandchildren and great-grandchildren? Her rock star nieces and nephews? Her exceptional and stunning and accomplished long-time friends? I know she wasn’t always happy with my choices or my hairstyles or how I approached my circumstances, but in the end, I never doubted she was on my side. And I know she prayed for me.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. A champion of her people. (and she had a lot of them!)
Our mom was a major player in the dynamic duo of Don & Carol Ruckman. They modeled true partnership in marriage…in their own way…and it worked. In our house, Mom’s domain was the inside and Dad’s, the outside. She supported his dream to start BHR engineering in 1968 with two small children to feed, earning $75 a week as an executive assistant…many nights taking dinner down to the converted shed in our backyard where the men were working late. She was the ideal “corporate wife” and hostess whose 90-word-a-minute typing or organizing skills often came in handy. Our family showed up for company events, weddings of employees, the annual Shrimp Boil or holiday party. There was a hot meal on the table every night, even though she might have worked all day herself. She made it important that Dad was greeted at the door when he came home from work. Once she even took the real estate exam for Dad when he had a conflict on the date the test was to be given! Don’t tell FREC. J She delighted in attending black tie events on his arm, accepting suite invitations to Florida Georgia or Gator Bowl games, and joining him on business trips to interesting places. He was undisputedly less social than she was and would have been happy to skip most of that…and she knew that. But I remember her reminding us that if she hadn’t made Dad take her to the very first RS&H Christmas party after they were newly married, he would have never gone to any more after that, and there was no way she was going to let that happen! The rest is history. ;) She was actively engaged with him in the design and building of two homes. She managed all the household finances. Yet she never begrudged his interest in hunting…and he never begrudged her desire to be a flirty, social butterfly.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. A contributing partner who embraced and applied her strengths.
As life and time moves along, sometimes caregivers ultimately need caregivers. It’s an understatement for me to say our family is eternally grateful for a team of naturally gifted women we call Mimi’s Angels – Shontaye King, Mimi Oketch, Kathy Valencia, Lina Slavinski, Maggie Lafleur, and Tiki Harold. As was her nature, Mom scooped each of them up and invested emotionally in their lives, always willing to listen and share her solicited (and unsolicited) wisdom on relationships, parenting, fashion, or food – just as she did for us. These compassionate women became companions who shared her love for crime shows, old movies, sports, crossword puzzles, or ice cream. Their mutual affection was evident every day and has been confirmed by the sincerity of their sentiments and their kind expressions of authentic mourning. We wish them the absolute best and deeply admire their passion for a career path marked by unexpected challenges and irregular schedules. A heartfelt THANK YOU from the Ruckman Girls. You are truly angels.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was. Even when she needed care, she continued to take care of others.
Lastly, I think many of us would say our mother, grandmother, sister, friend, or aunt was fun. If a song popped into her head, she sang it out. If she felt like dancing, she’d grab your hand so you could join her. She played Legos and paper dolls, played pretend tea party, played board games, and played like she was asleep if we were trying to surprise her with breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day. But she never played the fool. She loved to laugh and loved to send cards and loved to share articles or cartoons to make you laugh. She always had a story to tell that had tickled her in some way or some enthusiastic news to share (like how excited she was when the Jaguars were finally winning). She delighted in thoughtfully choosing gifts she just knew you would love. And of course, she thought it was great fun to be on the receiving end of thoughtful gifts, as well. So of course Christmas was her favorite holiday, as you can imagine! And she loved parties…planning, hosting, and attending them.
So, it's fitting today to invite all of you to join us for a “Friendsgiving” luncheon in her memory immediately following this ceremony. She would never forgive us in Heaven if we gathered you here without offering you something to eat and drink.
That’s who Carol Ruckman was.
If you're so inclined, here is a link to her obituary page, which includes a photo slideshow we put together to represent her life and legacy.
CAROL RUCKMAN • APRIL 14, 1941 - SEPTEMBER 20, 2024
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